Thursday, January 13, 2011

Be Our Guest.....Blogger

Daily Onions aims to please its audience and we like to invite reader participation. With that in mind, it is my distinct honor and pleasure to introduce our first ever guest blogger, Brady Smith. As the Director of Player Personnel for Big E Hoops Weekend, Brady breaks down everything you need to about this weekend's roster. Without further adieu, Mr. Brady Smith...

WHEW!! Let’s get this thing started already.

In the most anticipated January weekend since snow was invented, the Big East Hoops Weekend WHEW Crew will take on the Steel City in a most unlikely of scenarios. Say it with me now

Three games, three alma maters, lots of balls, one dream.

I certainly never thought that my beloved Mountaineers, the Mouth-hawks, and the Orange people would ever play three random games … against three separate teams … within an hour of each other … on the same damn weekend … AND the majority of our friends can make it.

The third best part about this weekend is that it breaks up an otherwise dreadful winter month of snow, slush and that God-dammit-there’s-street-salt-everywhere feeling. The second best part is the awesome sweat-ball  that we’ll see, obviously. (Editors note: you haven’t truly seen sweat ball unless you have witnessed a pick-up hoops game in Brady’s driveway)

But easily the number one best part of this weekend is the incredible people involved: the Big E Hoops Weekend Whew Crew. 

Mr. Daily Onions has done a phuh-nominal ahh-rugala job of summarizing the event and giving us some strong game previews.

So you’ve heard and will hear plenty about the actual basketball teams. Now here’s a couple tidbits about OUR starting lineup, in alphabetical order:

Hometown: The E
Currently resides in: Illadelphia
School Affiliation: West F*ckin Virginia, Richard F*ckin Stockton College
Claims to fame: Huge pepperoni-like formations on his chest; WVU record-low 0.23 GPA first semester of college; now manages people’s wealth for a living (makes sense, right?); Can produce an impromptu performance of “Ice Ice Baby” on request

Hometown: Washington Twp., South Jerz
Currently resides in: Illadelphia
School Affiliation: Shippensburg University (are they in the same conference as Robert Morris?) 
Claims to fame: Throwing drinks on people, Being super cool for having to deal with Andy on a daily basis; Being a rookie who’s experiencing her first big “E” experience this weekend.

Hometown: The E
Currently resides in: Robinson Tizzzownship
School Affiliation: West F*ckin Virginia
Claims to fame: Broncos WR Rod Smith once gave him a $100 bill; Occasionally writes newspaper columns about liturgical vestments; Wore
Rec Specs while playing middle school football

Hometown: Robinson Tizzzownship
Currently resides in: Robinson Tizzzownship
School Affiliation: West F*ckin Virginia
Claims to fame: Former band geek who actually attended band camp; Once touched Richie Rod’s ass; Accomplished
Shot of Brandi blogger; Married to a super-stud dominator

Hometown: Somers Point, South Jerz
Currently resides in: Illadelphia
School Affiliation: West F*ckin Virginia
Claims to fame: Chemist by day, drunken retard by night; Being awesome; Holds world record of times getting thrown out of Charlie’s Bar, narrowly edging his partner-in-crime, Timmy D.; Emerging Skype expert

Hometown: The E
Currently resides in: The E
School Affiliation: The Mouth
Claims to fame: Has an ATM in his garage; Appeared on national TV in a Pitt sweatshirt earlier this year; Sported a legendary thin mustache in high school; Acclaimed catch-phrase inventor; Ball hog

Hometown: The E
Currently resides in: City that begins wit a C, ends wit an O, and in da middle is, “hicag”
School Affiliation: The Cuse is in the House, Oh my god....The Cuse is in the House, Oh my god
Claims to fame: High school honor society named after him; 3-point specialist; uncanny resemblance to Dodgers’ first baseman James Loney; ONIONS!!!

Hometown: Kennedy Tizzzownship
Currently resides in: Kennedy Tizzzownship
School Affiliation: Allegheny River, uhh, I mean College
Claims to fame: World’s greatest female bowler; Obsessed with Mariah Carey (reportedly calls Ramy “Nick Cannon” on a daily basis); Attended school with the Silent Assassin

Hometown: Robinson Tizzzownship
Currently resides in: Cleve-land, O-H-I-O
School Affiliation: West F*ckin Virginia
Claims to fame: Holmgren’s holm-girl; Dominating force on the Mountaineer volleyball team under legendary Coach Hammersmith; Physically injured herself at B&B’s wedding
If that’s not an All-Star lineup, I really don’t know what is. Since this is a blog post and not a novel (Editor's note: Too late?), I’ll leave you with some quick-hit predictions of the basketball and non-basketball variety for this weekend.

Big E Hoops Weekend Quick-Hit Predictions:
  • 44-33, Mouth over Bobby Mo
  • 65-61, Dub-V over Pur-don’t
  • 75-73, Cuse over Eat Shit Pitt in OT
  • 100-0, Whew Crew over Pittsburgh
  • 200-0, Tuesday morning over all of us
At the game:
  • Game #1: The crew realizes they are one of 15 fans in attendance at Robert Morris game. Monmouth coach sees Sacks & Ramy in the stands and gives them uniforms after two players go down with injury.
  • Game #2: In Morgantown, a basketball inadvertently bounces into the upper deck of The Coliseum and Spieler jump-spikes it back to the court. Huggins cuts press conference short and joins Whew Crew for a postgame brew at Keglers.
  • Game #3: Ramy becomes all googly-eyed in admiration of the coordinated chanting attack by the Joke-land Zoo (Pitt student section), leaves his friends and completes his journey towards being a full-time Pitt fan. Puke.
Throughout the weekend:
  • Andy says a derogatory comment about Pittsburgh, and proceeds to get beaten up by some bald guy with a goatee wearing a James Harrison jersey and yelling, “Yinz er goin dahhhnn!!”
  • Brady makes 4-5 jokes about Ramy having an ATM in his garage, and the crew loves each one.
  • Led by Gene, 50% of the crew will ride a mechanical bull, and visit some kind of drinking establishment that’s in a strip mall.
  • Brandi calls Brady a … well, you know.
  • Andy laughs at the above comment.
  • Brady orders a Primanti Brothers sandwich without cole slaw and gets a dirty look from the waitress. Entire Jersey crew scoffs at the restaurant’s “Steak & Cheese” sandwich imposter.
  • Everyone lobbies B&B to stay in Morgantown overnight on Sunday, but ultimately heads back to Pittsburgh in a sad sign of old age.

Thanks for having me, Daily Onions.

And – GET EXCITED. The Big E Hoops Weekend Whew Crew is coming to the ‘Burgh.

We just hope that Monmouth-RMU game isn’t sold out yet.


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